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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 59 years. As he has gotten older, he has less to do to keep himself busy, and he no longer drives due to Alzheimer’s. He is now doing things inside the house without asking my opinion, including moving things around. Abby, as the woman of the house, this has always been my role. He is now trying to take over, which irritates me no end. He washes every dirty dish even though the dishwasher is empty, and I have to watch him after I caught him washing them without soap a couple of times. Am I wrong? He has no social life anymore, and his doctor keeps suggesting he try the senior center, to no avail. What can I do? -- DOMESTIC ENGINEER IN CALIFORNIA DEAR D.E.: Your husband may be trying to create order even as his organizational skills are diminishing. It would be wonderful if you could come up with some tasks he could do that don’t impinge on you. (I’m thinking things like watering the plants, taking out the garbage, sorting the laundry.) Another thought: Why not take your doctor up on his idea and go with him to the senior center to see if it will be more palatable to your husband than going alone? It might alleviate his anxiety about going someplace where he isn’t known. If you contact the Alzheimer’s Association (alz.org), you may be able to gather more suggestions about how to keep your husband occupied. ** DEAR ABBY: I have (or had) a friend I’ll call “Nick.” We were close once upon a time, but things fell apart over choices he made that hurt me deeply. Everyone agreed it was his fault. We haven’t spoken in years because he blocked me online and in person and last year, when we accidentally ran into each other, he told me to “go away.” He wasn’t angry or mean about it, just cold -- like my presence was nothing to him anymore. He said there is no issue with me, but having me in his life isn’t good for him because of how things ended between us. Abby, as much as everyone tells me what happened wasn’t fair to begin with, I still miss him badly. It feels stupid feeling this way over someone who clearly wants nothing to do with me. Do I keep hoping? Do I try reaching out here and there (which is hard when I’m blocked, but I know his friend group and could get in touch IF you say I should)? Or is this just one of those painful losses one must accept -- that some people aren’t meant to stay forever? -- FRIEND WHO STILL CARES TOO MUCH DEAR FRIEND: I understand that you are grieving the loss of this friendship, but for your sake, quit hoping you can revive it. What you are hoping for isn’t likely to happen. This former friend has made it clear that he wants nothing more to do with you. Do not intrude upon his friend group, trying to maneuver back in, because it will not end well. As you opined in your letter, not all friendships last forever, and this appears to be one of them.
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It was in the wake of Scottish philosopher David Hume (7-776) having waged war on Christianity with his work, Of Miracles (748), that British minister Richard Price (723-79) was compelled to offer a Christian rebuttal to Hume's critique of the probability of miracles. In his rebuke, Hume argued that it is much more probable that people inaccurately claim to have seen the risen Jesus than the probability that Jesus actually rose from the dead. More bluntly, Hume said of miracles, "It is nothing that men should lie in all ages." Thomas Bayes (70-76), the creator of the theorem, never published his work concerning probability. Only after his death did his friend Richard Price dust off Bayes' work and bring it to bear against Hume's criticism in the form of a statistical tool known as Bayes' probability theorem.
Read moreDid you ever have a perfect day, 24 hours when everything went right? I had one yesterday, and it scared me.
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DEAR ABBY: For the last four years, I have been hosting my son “Dennis,” his 6-year-old son and his brother’s 8-year-old daughter every other weekend. Dennis bought a puppy, “Champ,” to go with his house and brings him on these visits. Champ is nice enough but extremely active. He runs wild and barks, digs holes and has never been trained. The grandkids are cousins, and they are thick as thieves. They love running around indoors and out, but I am worn out. This arrangement caused problems between Dennis and me because he isn’t as on top of managing Champ as he thinks he is. Also, I am the de facto dog watcher when Dennis has plans, and that’s four or five times a year for three days to a week. I have told him more than once that he needs to get the animal trained or hire a sitter. He has not. Dennis was going to take a car trip with his brother, sister-in-law, niece and his brother’s dog. Because his brother wouldn’t take two dogs, Dennis asked me to watch Champ, which I declined. I caught heck, and it was stressful, but I stuck to my guns. Wouldn’t you know that Dennis will be in town helping his brother clear out a property for sale and now he needs me to watch his dog for the weekend? Why is he asking me and putting me right back in the same position? Can you give me some insight? I will pass on the reply and follow your lead. DOGGED IN WASHINGTON DEAR DOGGED: Your entitled son is conveniently ignoring the fact that his undisciplined animal is too much for you to handle because he doesn’t like your message. He takes for granted that Mom won’t stick to her guns. For the sake of your safety, please do not allow him to get away with it. Dennis is an irresponsible pet owner and too lazy to take his dog for obedience training. If he needs a pet sitter, he should hire one or board his dog at a kennel while he is away. ** DEAR ABBY: I know there can be regional differences in planning rehearsal dinners. Our son is getting married next year to a girl who lives about four hours from our home. The bride is insisting on having the rehearsal on Thursday and the rehearsal dinner on Friday, followed by a “welcome party,” which will be hosted by her friends. Every place we have suggested for the dinner has been tabled, pending the coordination of this welcome party. Further, the bride wants a large number of additional people to be added to the rehearsal dinner. Are my husband and I out of touch with the current view for wanting an intimate rehearsal dinner, including only the immediate family and those participating in the wedding? -- GROOM’S MOM IN THE SOUTH DEAR MOM: According to Emily Post, the groom’s parents traditionally host the rehearsal dinner, which includes the wedding party, young wedding party participants’ parents, the officiant and his or her spouse and the couple’s close relatives. According to Emily, you are not obligated to entertain out-of-town guests.
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DEAR ABBY: My husband of 50 years sits in his chair for hours at a time making online purchases he thinks are a necessity or just plain intriguing. We get two or three packages a day, which usually consist of “Buy two and get a third one free” -- fruit corers, citrus squeezers, air fresheners, car-washing supplies, cellphone holders, etc. What’s frustrating is that we already have the perfectly functional items he’s purchased. Most of the time they get pushed aside and not used. He also buys food items that are on a repeat subscription, filling our pantry with so much overflow that we must throw away perfectly good food to make room for the newest items. These purchases go on his credit card and amount to more than $2,000 per month. My career supported us financially, so my husband didn’t have to work, but he was busy with the family in many other ways. Now that I’m retired and no longer have an income, I look at the financial drain his compulsive online shopping has been causing. We cordially and sometimes humorously discuss his obsession, and he promises to abstain, but the next week, 15 more unnecessary items are delivered. What can I do to avoid being buried under junk in my own home? -- COVERED IN IT IN CALIFORNIA DEAR COVERED: You have identified what your problem is: compulsive spending. Now that you are retired, I’m sure the money your husband has been blowing could be put to better use. For some people, compulsive shopping and overspending can become an addiction. Your husband may be one of those; others find the dopamine rush helps with depression. The next time you and your husband discuss his online activities, tell him a 12-step organization called Spenders Anonymous helps people overcome this problem. You can learn more online at spenders.org. ** DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, “Maron,” who is 65 and divorced from her husband, who had been extremely verbally abusive. Her adult son has a daughter by a former partner who had no interest in the girl. The girl, “Lizzie,” is living with her father (Maron’s son) in his father’s home. Maron has taken an active interest in her grandchild and spends a lot of time with her. Maron drives Lizzie to preschool even though it is an hour away from her and only a few minutes from her ex-husband’s home. Recently, Maron’s ex has been pressuring her to move back in with him. He says Lizzie needs a consistent female presence. However, he also accuses her of being selfish, thus perpetuating his verbal abuse. What should she do? -- IN THE MIDDLE IN WASHINGTON DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Unless Maron wants to escape the fire only to jump back into the frying pan, she should maintain her separate residence. Because her ex’s verbal abuse was so bad she left the marriage, she should not allow herself to be guilted into allowing more of it.
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